Demons, skeletons, baggage... call it what you want, we all have it. There are conversations that come up that give us that tingle, our stomach drops, palms sweat, nerves kick in. As those conversations may continue and dangerously approach, our bodies may kick in some endorphins as we go "fight or flight" mode. Then it happens, that one question that we have steered clear of, done everything in our power to avoid is about to get asked. Now what?
Maybe we have started a new dating relationship or maybe we've been in a long term relationship, maybe even married. What's our biggest secret? What is it that we are so sure of that if the person sitting across from us knew, they'd run away? What are the three things that we are so certain would eliminate us from being a partner that we guard and hide? Or the three things that we've only told our best of best friend but would never dare to tell our partner out of fear?
As this fear exists, what conversations do we avoid? What words are out there that at any moment we hear one, our attention gets quickly diverted to the source? If a conversation or question may touch this fear what do we do avoid it... quickly remove ourselves from that conversation...head to the bathroom...change the subject? What behaviors have we adapted to avert the risk? What relief falls upon us when a potential conversation that may uncover this fear goes in another direction and our secret lives another day? A sigh... a deep breath, a thank you God..knock on wood?
As these fears exist, what is it that we are afraid of? Are we afraid that our partner would look at us differently? We afraid that the person we love won't love the person we actually are? Are we truly showing this other person who we really are if we conveniently find ways to avoid certain conversations? Who is it that this partner loves?...us...or this projection of us that we created to hide our baggage... an alternate us that we think is the us that is worthy of love?
Now, what if our partner has fears just like we do? Who the hell are we?
What if we laid those demons, skeletons and baggage on the table? What if we took those three things we fear most and made those the first things we shared with our new special person? I don't mean share in a 30,000 foot level share or a tap-dance around them like we've done so many times before, I mean share, say what it is and own that those three things are part of us. Are we scared if we did that, they wouldn't like us? Scared that they'd turn and run? Then don't tell them and hope we never have to talk about it. Who is it we want this person to love? us? or fearful secret us? Let's say we lay it all out there and let's say they turn and run. . . was it that bad? What did we loose?... the opportunity at a relationship of fear? What if we tell them? What if we just started a relationship with a person who knows the worst imaginable things about us and at the end of the conversation they are still sitting there?
What if they follow our lead and at the end of the night, both of us are still sitting there? Imagine that beginning...
What if we're in a relationship of fear and hiding skeletons? What if we opened up and shared? This person tells us they love us each day? They tell us they love us no matter what? Isn't this no matter what? What if we tell the person and they run? What if we tell them and they say they will never forgive us? What if they tell us those things are so bad they can't be with us? Ask them what their fears are because if we've never shared them, they probably haven't either...
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