Saturday, December 15, 2018

Line and circle


The simplest things can be the clearest, for me. I’m a pretty simple person who, when at low points, recognizes I can complicate life by not keeping it simple.  

Lines: I’ve stood at many starting lines as I’ve looked ahead to crossing finish lines. Standing there ready to race everything is quantifiable; how far I have to go, the effort I plan to put forth, the goal time I am pursuing. There are variables but they are mostly known or can be expected within a definable range; cold or hot, windy or calm, sunny or cloudy. I feel I’ve gravitated to racing because of this simplicity and definability. Everyday there are new starting lines and lines that represent an end, many ambiguous, some pretty clear. My complications come in trying to define what is between that beginning and end in an effort to understand it on the way to aligning it with my expectations. There’s so much misunderstanding with that thought process that is easily cleaned up with a single line: everything is a starting line that’s followed by a finish line no matter how hard I try to prolong the gap in between. Everything that begins will end; this conversation, this work project, this relationship, this sunburn, this social media post. I say ‘this’ because it isn’t ‘a project’ or ‘a relationship’ because ‘this’ instance will come to an end and if I define it as ‘a project’ it becomes all projects. I will clearly define this beginning and recognize its end that comes thereafter - that’s simple. 


Circle: life continually moves, new beginnings and new endings coming and going. People or things may be there for a specific purpose for a given period of time and then before I know it that period has ended. Maybe they or it comes back or maybe never to return. What moves forward is what I learned from that relationship or situation and how I apply it moving forward. Those bits and pieces collected along the way are recycled forward and integrated back in to the world through purpose and love. For me living and loving and giving completes the circle from accumulation of experiences and feelings to pollinating the world with what I’ve been fortunate enough to receive. It’s ongoing, constant and necessary for me to be authentically me. It’s a source of happiness to be on the receiving and giving end of living and loving, a line and circle are my reminders that in everything I do I have the ability to be present enough to see ‘this’ begin, engage and love in ‘this moment’, be humbled in recognition when ‘this’ ends in order to lovingly pass ‘this’ to someone else.  

Friday, December 7, 2018

Denial of truth


Image result for stickman


Our truths are all around us, we receive insight on it all the time. My issue is how I interpret it or even if I consider it at all. Often it’s dismissed or easily passed over as I justify away or argue against it.

Simple truth in running: I have a gps watch I use that collects more information than I’ll ever interpret. In short, in real-time or after a run, I can view my pace, heart rate and elevation changes. This is solid information for training and tracking growth as well as opportunity. Yet after runs I still find ways to dismiss these truths; I ran after work today so I would expect to be slower... I was running with my dog and she was all over the place... The route I ran was much hillier than my normal route... I will quickly glance at the detail I consider important for that run and own it if it’s the truth I want or pull out an excuse that it’s not the truth if it doesn’t match the truth I am looking to confirm.

Simple truth in life: I was listening to a mindfulness podcast one time and the person doing the podcast gave the example of driving. He said he was driving one day when someone abruptly honked and screamed at him saying “you’re a terrible driver!!” Reflecting back on that situation the personal in the podcast thought “maybe I am a terrible driver?” In this situation the truth was coming from an unexpected place at an unexpected time, a situation where I would defend myself, I wouldn’t accept or even acknowledge this interaction as having an ounce of truth.

Simple truth in relationships: typically in relationships we have the opposite issue. We don’t discuss or bring up our truths for fear of acceptance. If I share my truth then you won’t like me. If you know these things about me then our relationship will end. We hide and bury our truths for a future date when it’s “safer” to bring them out. In the meantime we hope certain topics don’t come up that may force a truth out.

What I’ve found for myself is this; if I’m not researching the information surrounding my truth, I’m feeding a story or BS’ing myself. If I am not objectively looking at my gps watch and analyzing the data (truth) it’s because I am avoiding the truth. Why? If I avoid the truth I never need to change, I’m always right, I know I’m faster, I know I can run farther, I know I’m a great driver and I know in time my relationship will be strong enough to handle my truth... for me that’s the definition of potential without action. I have the potential to be faster but that requires me to acknowledge that I’m not there now AND to accept the information and change; train harder, run more, run less, run faster more frequently, train purposefully with a coach and be open to their objective interpretation of my truth(s).

How do I move ahead: accept the truth but recognize it’s a snapshot. Ever make a flip book?  Bored in class and draw a simple stick man in the corner, then the next page have his leg extend out a little, then the next page the leg extends a little more. Pretty soon you have 20 pages and when you flip through them the stick man sort of looks like he’s running. That’s taking a snapshot of truth and changing it ever so slightly for the next snapshot. The stick man doesn’t run if you draw the same picture over and over, there has to be change. I don’t get faster if I don’t change my routine, my relationships will always be based on avoidance if I can’t share my truths.

Accept the truth, be the change, today is only a snapshot in many pages of a flip book.

Wednesday, November 14, 2018

If a tree falls in the forrest...

but no-one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?  Of course there's a sound.  For some time now I've been that tree falling over and over again in "silence".  It hasn't been silence from the world as much as it's been my own evaluation of what falling even means.  Falling comes in a variety of ways and for me the biggest silencer of falling has been my own confidence.  If things aren't going well it's been my confidence that I can help get things back on track.  When there's been strained relationships that weigh on me, it's been my confidence that I can steer them back on track.  I have been believing that through this confidence change will come.  What I had forgotten for some time is that it's not about change, changing this person's view or changing my effort to 'make' things better, it's about me being grounded and confident in my ability to do what's best for me and not in my confidence of creating change elsewhere.  I've veered off course for a bit in an effort to work so hard in making change to things that didn't fit, this veering took over so many parts of me that I was changing and didn't even see it.  I was becoming the changes I was 'working' so hard to address.  This is where a person I love stepped in and helped me hear what it sounded like as I fell.  It was an awakening that reopened my eyes to what I need to do for myself.  I have some basic steps to follow but they are all driven by purpose; run - get out, be active, let the juices flow and be free in the world where my feet can take me anywhere.  An opportunity then fell to me to guide - helping someone do something they wouldn't otherwise be able to do is the greatest gift I an give.  Do - stop thinking and evaluating and looking for the perfect plan to create change, do more, ask more questions, talk to more people and live the change I want for myself.  I can be an influence to change but something or someone else other than me changing because of me is not my choice - it's theirs.  Lastly, I need to share more.  I have recently been experiencing what I call 'SSMR' - self social media reminders; I haven't written a blog since 2014, that year was rather defining for me in many ways: solidifying a new relationship, training more than I'd ever trained before, guiding more races than ever, blogging all the time, posting about conquering the world in my own way and with my own understanding.  That person has been revisiting my timeline on Facebook and I've been in aw.  I don't have the opportunity to be that person again, but that person has become my guide today and serves as a reminder to keep doing what I love no matter what.  I can do all the things I love to do and am passionate about doing regardless of deadlines, time constraints, work, jobs whatever... because I've done it before.  I never knew back then I'd be sharing as a way to remind myself at a future date to just live and love - and do it every day.  Find the things I love and showing it/them what it means to receive my love; live being active and feeding my soul with outdoors, beautiful sights and physical activity.  I have an amazing life, it may be easier to see when my tree is standing upright and tall but it was love that allowed me to see it as I was laying on the forrest floor.